Lost

 

    With  big eyes she has this look that makes everyone be careful around her, and sometimes no one talks to her, like an invisible person who walks around the city; without shadow, without scent, without existence.

     No one sees her hiding behind an angry look and a careless face, protecting herself from this world that she prefers to escape. She wants to live in her own inner world, in her books, or inside uncompleted stories that she tries to create.

     Those stories she tried to write once. But her problem with the uncompleted “things” is that she gets attached easily and this makes it impossible to  move on. The same thing happened with the stories. She starts to live the characters more than writing it. She gets attached to everything, she builds a connection. Once she fell in love with a time traveler who forgot which time he was originally in and kept wandering through the time looking for the woman he loved. She thought that she is  the missing lover that he left at some point that he can not remember and she keeps thinking about ways to bring him to her world, or maybe she feels that she is that time traveler! Maybe left herself at one of her books and keeps going back reading the old books looking for herself? Or what about the uncompleted story that had a dancer who lost her ability of doing any dance moves.  Is that related to her own problem when she found herself wandering in the world of words, losing the ability to write?  Maybe she is simply afraid of writing her own destiny by writing sad or unpredictable endings.

      She is trapped in her mind, starting to lose connection with the reality. It crossed her mind to ask: “what is real and what is her imagination?”…

       She always looks for perfection. She  feels like she hasn’t accomplished anything.  This inner world she is trapped in makes her compare herself to an unreal level which does not even exist.

      Always looking at what she did as a starter for everything, for being free of everything. But the question that she keeps asking herself between every single thought is: “What is that big thing she is waiting to accomplish or to have?” She always shakes her head while she mumbles, “I have no clue”.

          She never felt “the moment.” Her sense of time is not there. She never felt it no matter how much she tried. She’s always lost in the idea of “time”.

          Her days pass without reaching anything. She gets use to the idea that shows her how much she is living outside of this world and she will never be something. Her feelings, passion and desire of being alive are starting to vanish.  Since she is living inside her thoughts, she can not accept the reality anymore. Her mind always goes towards “The End” like if it is only another story of hers. The idea of vanishing, being nothing, captures her mind. “What will happen after the end? What will happen to us? They said we change, we become “something else” but that answer never convinced her.

        The person who thinks like her can’t enjoy anything that happens at the moment because the moment for her is “thinking about the future.” She thought of that while she was holding a cup of coffee, thinking “hmm this perfect cup of coffee will finish soon.” Maybe it’s better not to think at all.